Basically, blogging, sleeping, and laying down are the only things I'm permitted to do. Today, I received the terrifying news that I am indeed in the early stages of preterm labor. I blogged a few weeks ago about the big scare I had with the painful contractions, and well, they reared their ugly head a few more times in the coming weeks. One day, I had contractions every 5 minutes for 45 minutes. At 28.5 weeks, that's just downright scary.
So, at my monthly check up with my OB, I explained the pain, the frustration and the stress my body has been undergoing. He insisted on checking to see if I was dilated, did a few more intrusive tests "down there" and concluded that, despite no dilation (yet), I was officially a high risk pregnancy in the early stages of preterm labor. At my rate, I would be lucky to make it 6 more weeks.....but as of right now, 6 weeks is my goal. I will make it 6 more weeks. I have to, for the health and well-being of my baby boy.
I feel like a complete failure as a mom. I may have pushed my body a little too hard or stressed a little too much, but I never expected it to put me in this stage. I now can't drive, pick little Jimmy up, leave the house, or stand for long periods of time. Let's not forget, my 10 month old is in to EVERYTHING, has a first birthday in 6 weeks, and requires a lot of attention. Oh, and I work full time. I think I've endured some trying times in my life before, but this will definitely be my ultimate test. And it's not without pain, either. The weekly progesterone shots in my rear are incredibly painful and leave a nice bruise in their wake. And the icing on the whole cake is, the moment I begin to dilate, I have to check into the hospital. Not really how a mom imagines bringing a baby into the world. All I can envision is the lonely NICU, where most likely my baby will spend time.
This is incredibly difficult for me. I'm angry (at myself), frustrated (with the situation), scared (for my son) and worried (about the possible consequences health-wise he may face as a premie, the bills that will accumulate from all the injections, NICU care, etc. and how I will juggle being a mom to Jimmy while working). I'm not one to openly admit defeat, but I feel nothing except defeat. My strength is not enough to get me through this, and I'm turning myself 100% over to the Lord. "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?!"
I know God is in this situation. It's His plan. I'm supposed to be learning from this but my head can't seem to fathom all of the things going on right now. How will I get my crying son from his crib if I'm not supposed to lift him? How can I comfort him the way only a mommy can? Why do I allow stress to win the battle so often and put my body into havoc? Deep down, I know the lesson from this. I know it's about relying more than I previously was on God. It's letting Him be the Master of my life, guiding all decisions. I worry more than I should and stress WAY more than I should. This is His way of telling me to give it up, because in the end, it's His way and there's no other option.
Here I am, Lord. Literally, down on the ground. Facing the most challenging and trying coming weeks of my life thus far. I give it to YOU. Take my babies in your arms and protect them both, and help my heart to understand and find peace, not worry. I give you my anxiety over how to juggle all these things - motherhood, work, finances. You are all I need and I know your strength will prevail. Please, please help my weary heart. Dry my tears and rest your comforting hand on our hearts. I'll do anything for the safety of my children. More than anything, I pray you watch over Jackson. He is such a special, vital part of this family already and our hearts cannot contain the love we have for him. Keep him safe, healthy and strong. I know you have a fantastic life prepared for him, Lord.
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