Futures

Growing up, I pictured myself as a workaholic. This isn't something kids usually visualize when asked what they want to be in the future, but for some reason, I was always drawn to the fast paced, hectic world of the workaholic. I wanted the cut-throat job, the demand of deadlines, wearing suits daily and living in the city. My future always seemed to have New York City as the my ultimate destination, and as the years passed, I became secretly became more and more focused on achieving my dream. Some dream, huh?

Unfortunately, I also left out of this picture a husband and family. Relationships seemed to complicate things in my life, so as much as I wanted the fairytale ending and the suburban lifestyle, for quite some time I honestly didn't know if I would ever find that. For me, it was the corporate lifestyle I was reaching for and nothing else. I would be married to my work and if I was good at what I did, then did it really matter if I was single?

But then one night at a junior varsity football game that vision vanished. When I met Jimmy, I had an instant connection that was easy and comfortable. Although we didn't date right away, I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. All of a sudden, having a marriage and kids didn't seem so impossible. The corporate lifestyle then became something I wanted to avoid, if possible. I chased that dream for the paycheck and the vindication that I had made something of myself. With Jimmy, I realized a job doesn't define a person. Happiness is what defines us and a life without happiness is not a life at all.

In college, I pushed myself academically, not at all letting up just because I had found the man I was going to marry. Mrs. degree? No way. I challenged myself and walked out after four years with a 4.0 GPA, some amazing memories with friends, and a new outlook on life. Marriage was on the horizon, as well as the possibility of a family, so picking a job that truly made me happy was crucial. It wasn't about the paycheck anymore. It was about working at something I enjoyed doing and could excel at.

After we got married, a huge part of my job was being a wife. I felt needed by Jimmy. He was going through so many different things in his own life and he needed someone to lean on. I was the one who was there with encouraging words and, if he needed someone to talk to, I kept my mouth shut and listened. Once he found a position where he was comfortable and happy, things seemed to fall into place for him. He became comfortable. He became content. He no longer needed me as much as he did in the past - and I felt it. There was a huge void in my life where I felt somewhat worthless in the relationship, no longer like a wife but more as someone who was just "there." I had assisted him in finding his way and now he could proceed to follow his dreams. It isn't that he started loving me any less, it was just that he progressively started needing me less. And that left me feeling a giant void inside.

Enter my son. If you read the blog that explains our story about having a baby, you will fully understand we did not have a baby to fill this newfound void I was feeling in my life. But the moment he was born, my void was instantly filled. I was needed. I was loved. And I was able to give all of my love and attention to a little boy who looks up at me with big blue eyes and is completely vulnerable to the big world around him. So, even as I juggle a million things at once and shoot a frustrating glance into the office and see Jimmy working or playing guitar, I know that the little boy in my arms needs me more than ever right now. And he needs Jimmy, too. But for some reason, a mom has an innate ability to be nothing short of amazing when she is blessed with a baby. It's scary, yes, but there are a ton of ways to be a great parent, and only a few ways you can really screw your kid up. This notion leaves me feeling more confident at the end of a long day with baby Jimmy.

Back to the point of this blog, though, which is about futures. From the moment Jimmy was born, people have looked down at him and declared a number of different things he can be in the future, from a football player to a soccer player to a track star. What I want my son to know is there is no set future he has to pursue. He may be tall, lean and fast, the ideal basketball star, and not have a passion at all for the sport. Just fitting the profile doesn't mean he has to pursue it. I want him to know that we all dream, and the beauty of dreaming is that each one is your very own. I wanted one lifestyle growing up and ended up going down a completely different path. I can smile every night before bed knowing the place I'm in right now was not forced upon me. At the end of the day, all that matters to me is that my son loves God and puts all of his faith in Him. And if he's not an athlete or a scholar, but he loves God with all of his heart, then I've successfully done my job.