A Breakdown Fit for a Two-Year Old

We had a breakdown in our house today, and it was a long time coming.

You would think it was one of my toddlers, but you would think wrong. It was me.

The past few weeks have been physically and emotionally draining on me. The Reader's Digest version is this:

-I've had no energy whatsoever, so my house has been in desperate need of a deep clean, things need to be organized and I need to stop procrastinating and actually decorate.
-Work has been at an all time high stress-wise. I've felt the weight of major decisions bearing down on my shoulders and have had moments where I've felt completely alone. I question everything I do.
-My attitude, to put it nicely, has been yucky. Absolutely, positively yucky.

On top of all that, I've been harboring feelings that I wouldn't let surface. I buried them deep, deep down and glossed over them daily. But today, I couldn't anymore. Jimmy left for his baseball tournament and I crawled back into bed, wanting nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and sleep for days. Days, people. But at the first peep of Jackson, I was wide awake only to realize three hours had passed and the boys and I were more refreshed than we've been in days. When I went to get Jimmy out of his crib, he greeted me with a big smile and a new ring on his pointer finger.

"Bwoken," he said, showing me one of his favorite pacifier nipples fit tightly around his finger.

Upon closer inspection, I saw he bit right through that sucker (no pun intended) and had indeed fashioned himself a ring. I explained that he ruined yet another pacifier and he was down to two. Two. If he gets bored again and decides to bite through those, he's out of luck. We won't be purchasing anymore pacifiers for him.

He said farewell to his beloved pacifier as we threw it away together, and then he laid down on his changing table. When I looked down at him and his smiling little face, I couldn't control the tears.

"Wat's wong, Mommy?"

I couldn't contain the flow of tears. I couldn't even find my voice enough to explain. He sat up and wrapped his arms around my neck.

"Am I a good Mommy?" I asked, thinking there was no way he could know how to answer that question.

"Ga-weat!" he repeated a few times as his arms tightly gripped around my neck. My heart filled with so much love at that moment, but the tears still wouldn't stop.

I went on to ask him again if I was good Mommy, and if he thought I could be a Mommy to another new baby. He didn't answer these questions but just quietly listened as I vented. I went on and on about how scared I was about having another baby. What if I can't meet the needs of all three kids? What if I let them down? What if Jimmy and Jackson feel I don't love them as much because I'm tending to a newborn? What if....what if....what if....

There are so many questions I have buried for so long. So many fears. In all the excitement and in trying to prove to others that this wouldn't be a problem, I forgot to tell myself it wouldn't be a problem. I was too busy trying to fend off the negativity from all around me that I forgot to fend it off from myself.

Of course, I don't have the answer to any of those questions. But that hug on the changing room table eased a lot of the worry. And I know that the only way to battle the fears and be filled with peace is to earnestly seek my Heavenly Father and discover His will for my life and my parenting abilities. He wouldn't have entrusted me to be a Mommy again if He didn't think I could do it. But there are definitely days I find myself asking Him, "Are you sure I can do this? Are you absolutely, positively sure I'm the right person? Am I raising Jimmy and Jackson according to Your will?"

As much as motherhood can fill you up with love and happiness, Satan loves to swoop in and find a way to make you feel more alone than ever. Well, Satan, I'm not welcoming you into my thoughts about motherhood anymore, so take your negative thoughts and doubt and please leave!