Although it isn't known for being the most beautiful lake in Texas, today it provided me a sense of comfort and escape in a way I never thought possible. The Carnes family graciously invited us out for a few hours on the boat, complete with wakeboarding and, as always, lots of laughs.
The past week has been extremely stressful both physically and emotionally on me as I've dealt with two sick little boys and working to get myself better at the same time. Jackson has proven extremely difficult to mend and he has struggled with sleeping and eating for the past few days. My nerves were frayed when I woke up this morning after a night of waking up every two hours, something he didn't even do just days after birth. His stomach wells and hardens for hours after he eats and no matter how hard I try to get bubbles out of bottles or how many doses of gas drops I give him, he still suffers from the gas pains. A light finally went off in my head to try the Dr. Brown's bottles again because the nipples are smaller and will let in less air as he eats. I prayed it would be the solution to a painful problem.
But when I woke up, I was frustrated and exhausted. I was seriously considering backing out of our excursion up to the lake because I was unsure how Jackson would be for his Grandma. I also didn't want to be the Debbie Downer of the trip. But, I bucked up, threw my hair in a messy ponytail, put on a little mascara and concealer in attempt to hide the dark circles under my eyes, and put on my bathing suit (for the first time in months and months!). When Grandma Joyce showed up to babysit the boys, I gave her the rundown of Jackson's recent bouts with gas pains and told her I had made up his next bottle using a Dr. Brown's bottle. Both boys were down for naps when we left, and I said a prayer to myself that they would behave.
I was still unsure about my decision to go as we drove up to the marina. I was happy to see the Carnes family and when I stepped foot on the boat I began to realize how badly I needed to get away from home without the boys.
The company was beyond amazing, but it was the silence in the boat after an afternoon of wakeboarding that cleansed my soul. The wind was blowing so hard that it was difficult to hold a conversation, so we sat in silence on the way back to the marina. As the wind rushed through my hair and the sun beat down on my face, I closed my eyes and took it all in. I breathed in the fresh air and relished in the silence. I was surrounded by dear friends who made it easy to steal away without the little ones for a few hours. God spoke to my troubled heart on that boat ride back. I was given a new sense of peace and felt refreshed. The frustrations with feedings, lack of sleep and the utter feeling of failure on my part as a parent washed away. I knew when I returned home I could wrap my boys up in my arms knowing I am the best Mom I know how to be.
When I walked through the front door, a smiling and giggling little boy greeted me. His excitement to see me sent chills up and down my body. My heart fluttered and I swooped him up and planted a big kiss on his cheek. I then walked over to Jackson and grabbed his tiny hands and kissed his cheek. I was home and back in full Mommy mode.
Although the boys will never remember the day I left them for a few hours to go to the lake, I will always keep this day in my heart. I thank God for using a new environment and the Carnes family to revitalize me.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
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